Crooks Debut on National Stage

This past weekend, the K Street Crooks competed in the 5th annual Cherry Blossom Soccer Tournament (CBST), held on the National Mall. After 5 months away from the pitch, the Crooks battled their way through 3 grueling matches Saturday, pulling every muscle in their bodies, and posting a shocking 0-3-0 record. What could have caused ‘the pride of Petworth’ to fall three times? How could the ‘Capitol Hill league champs’ not land a single W? Could it have been the 5 months off and no stretching? Doubtful. Or maybe the 2-hour beer run between games 2 and 3? Impossible. El Campo were determined to find the explanation.

Now, it is common knowledge that the CBST is set up “World Cup style” – 32 teams starting in round robin group-play, followed by multiple elimination rounds until a winner is crowned. Beyond the play format though, our formerly-pink-but-now-orange tournament rookies were unaware of just how ‘World Cup style’ this tournament really was. Searching merely for reasons to explain the lopsided results, El Campo's investigation uncovered the wicked truth about the other teams: 23 of the other 31 teams were actually premier national teams headed to the 2010 FIFA World Cup. Under the guise of such kitschy team names as “Hello Kitty!!” (Korea DPR), “Ron Burgundy” (France), “Sparkle Motion” (Spain) and “That’s What She Said” (England), it seems the likes of Ronaldo, Kaka and Messi were just having a bit of a tune-up before the big show in South Africa. An anonymous premier player from team “AC D.C.” (Australia) had this to say: “We’ve got a very busy and stressful pre-World Cup schedule, and the [CBST] just gives us a chance to relax and really do what we love to do – beat the snot out of DC area rec league teams."

So, there you have it. All things reconsidered, the Crooks actually fared quite well at this weekend “rec” tournament and they should be very proud of themselves – they fought some of the most gifted footballers on the planet, and lived to tell the tale.

Stay tuned for updates on the upcoming Spring season, where the Crooks try to dominate yet another DC neighborhood – Dupont Circle!

Crooks Season Ends on a High Note

It seems the Crooks have finally warmed up to their construction cone attire. Before they headed out for their Thanksgiving holidays, the Crooks wowed the Capitol Hill crowd with not one, but two smashing victories – a back-to-back feat not seen since the jersey’s were bubble-gum pink. The 2-1 losers on Saturday called themselves CQ Bias FC, while Swampoodle – a longtime K Street rival – lost 2-1 in their final game of the season Sunday.

Though the current standings have K Street in 8th place through 7 games, with a -15 goal differential, captain Breznay assures El Campo that when the final standings are all sorted out, the Crooks will be on top. When asked to elaborate on how this numerically impossible result could be, Breznay simply reminded us of the long line of seedy accountants that have passed through the pink ranks, adding “We’ve got friends in mediocre places, El Campo.”

Stat-fixing aside, the Crooks should be very proud of themselves this season. With such a huge restructuring, from top down, they kept it together and prevailed a few of the times they needed to.

Keep your eyes peeled for news on upcoming spring 2010 schedules and World Cup preparation.

Screw you, Mother Nature

For already the second time this season, Mother Nature has washed out the prospects of a Crooks win. (Or, staved off a loss – however you fine readers of El Campo choose to see it. But this reporter chooses the former) How dare she prevent our orange-clad warriors from wowing the Capital Hill crowds and enthralling them with their incredible football artistry? Where else are these crowds supposed to go? To a Redskins game? Surely they should not be subjected to such cruel punishment. And what about the children? What about the children, I say. Those that look up to the likes of Andrew “Pele” Horgan, Jim “the Flash” Olsen, Ian “Kaboom!” Pfeil… Who are they left to idolize on a Sunday afternoon? Miley? Someone from the Hills? Surely this must not be so.
So Mother Nature, please, cast a ray of sunshine on our beloved Crooks this weekend (just one will do.. the jerseys will act as mirrors and reflect on the whole neighborhood). Do it for the children!

Crooks win!

On a beautiful autumn day in our nation’s capital, the K Street Crooks rebounded to a 3-0 victory over the Glover Park Groupers. [insert bad fish pun here] Goals were aplenty, with rookies Andrea and Ian notching one apiece, and second-season veteran Paul tacking on the third.

The Crooks held possession for the vast majority of the game. The few times the Groupies did manage to get anywhere near the box though, one intimidating figure was waiting for them: Pete the Substitute Goalie. Snagged from the previous game, Pete came through with a stellar goal-keeping performance that clearly showed why he was not on the K Street Crooks squad. We are grateful for his charity, and fearful of our upcoming match-up with his real team.

Next week the team-formerly-clad-in-pink-but-now-in-Hi-Liter-Orange takes on Unatletico DC at noon. Be there!

Game 1 wrap: There’s nowhere to go but up!

First, the bad news. Under a blistering September sun, the team-formerly-clad-in-pink suffered its first loss of the season, falling 3-nil to the aptly named Wanks. To make matters worse, they did so in a most frightful shade of traffic-cone orange (District Sports, it seems, is not without a sense of humor when it comes to the Crooks jerseys). The Wanks, all 496 of them, were supercharged on various yet-to-be-released flavors of Vitamin Water and simply outpaced the Crooks 10 times over.

On the plus side however, loyal El Campo readers will be happy to hear that the richest (or certainly the most successful) tradition of the K Street Crooks has fruitfully carried over to the reworked squad: the gameday hangover. Aided in part by former Crooks Amy and Justin tying the knot the night before, the majority of the Crooks proudly stumbled onto the pitch Sunday, eager to pad their 2009 stats. The newbie Crooks were more reluctant to speak up during the pre-game polling session, but the rum-colored sweat seeping out of their pores at halftime gave them up pretty quickly.

This weekend’s matchup promises to be another thriller as our Orange-clad warriors take on ‘Sunday is the new Tuesday’ at 3pm.

Transfer deadline Looming; Big changes in store for Crooks

As the Fall 2009 season opener draws near, loyal El Campo readers are no doubt at the edge of their seats. Sources in and around the Crooks all speak of a massive overhaul of the heralded team, stemming from a complete breakdown of the of the mighty triumvirate. Several reports claim that captains Hoefs and Snyder have skipped town, fleeing almost immediately after a huge fight with fellow captainess Breznay. Facts are scarce, but one source close to the team had this to share: “Ben and Tim were downright scared of her. I saw tears.”
Rest assured dear readers, El Campo will continue to investigate and keep you up-to-date as information surfaces. In the meantime, go out and buy your official Pink gear and get ready for the September 20th debut of your K Street Crooks!

Crooks share dramatic draw with Pandas; 2/3 of team feared dead

In what can only be described as ‘a game for the ages’, the Crooks battled their way to a thrilling nil-nil tie this weekend versus Unatletico FC. If you’re reading this, and own a pink jersey, odds are you didn’t see it.

On a ridiculously perfect day for soccer, right down to the dew point, our pink-clad warriors began to assemble at Capitol Hill. As they laced up their boots, one question repeatedly came to mind: Where is everyone? Unatletico FC’ers were streaming into the field from all entrances, one blinding neon yellow jersey after another, while the number of Crooks in attendance held steady at just 5. (Granted they were the 5 most talented, attractive and overall most valuable Crooks, but still…) Cell phones, smoke signals, and various bird calls were all employed as futile attempts to locate those absent. We have no choice, dear readers, than to assume that those that did not show are, in fact, dead. Was it swine flu? Or did they all check the latest district sports standings and simply lose the will to live? It is a mystery.

All was not lost however. The remaining Crooks were blessed that afternoon - by angels in purple jerseys. Several Kung Fu Pandas, upon finishing a win of their own, graciously agreed to join the Crooks in their fight against their reflective opponent. The combination of pink, purple and neon on the field was a sight to behold. The level of play, too, was stunning. Striker Jim Olsen literally grew wings and flew around the field – both stymieing the opposition, and providing a pleasant breeze to his fellow teammates. “He’s like a same-age version of Logan Kendall” one fan remarked. Behind Jim was a pink line of defense that never backed down. With an imposing new goalie loaned in from the Pandas with striking brown eyes, the defenders were clearly out to impress. Lovell leveled at least 8 opponents (an ensuing investigation will likely turn up more), and Horgan tackled a dozen more with moves the Wachowski brothers can only dream of recreating.

Though no goals were tallied, it should be on record that the Crooks, against immeasurable odds, fought bravely and skillfully. Let's hope more Crooks are there next week to watch the show!